New York is choked with rich people consuming conspicuously and making us staid, middle-class folks feel like nobodies (which we are, but we don’t like to think so). So when I stumble upon a lampoon of the trendy, Bacchic, hyper-Chelsea culture, I chuckle with envy. Check out this excerpt from Andy Borowitz’s humorous piece on the real estate ridiculousness in New York:
IN XANADU DID KUBLA KHAN a hedge-fund manager’s 3 BR, 4 BA pleasure dome decree. The West Village, Chelsea, and the meatpacking district are all a coke vial’s throw from this molten-hot trophy building that boasts New York’s highest concentration of douchebags. Just minutes from downtown’s chicest restaurants and just hours from being seated in one. Don’t miss out on the chance to have some dude from Merrill vomit outside your doorway while his skeletal girlfriend screams, “I know you’re doing my sister, you dick!” Recently indicted seller highly motivated. $4.25M.
Priceless in its accuracy. The whole thing is in this week’s New Yorker, which I subscribe to so I can feel cultured.
The Musical Shitlist: Six Terrible Songs From 2007
“Me Love” by Sean Kingston: So, Page and Plant refused to license “Stairway to Heaven” for the Live Aid DVD, but they let this dude sample “D’Yer Mak’er?” Unacceptable.
“Apologize” by OneRepublic ft. Timbaland: How do you end up in the bottom five and top ten at the same time? Add a superfluous, uninteresting beat to an already flaccid excuse for a simpering ballad, and forget to take your name off the credits.
“The Moneymaker” by Rilo Kiley: I know, it’s supposed to be sleazy and porny, but this might be the first time in history that the voice of Jenny Lewis has actually made a song worse. Worst. Rilo Kiley. Ever.
“Wadsyaname” by Nelly: I apologize on behalf of all of St. Louis.
“Crank That (Soulja Boy)” by Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em: The apotheosis of ringtone rap and the nadir of my having a sense of hearing.
“Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal) Remix” by Fergie ft. Sean Kingston: I really don’t like this Sean Kingston character. This song was already irritating enough to qualify for the list with Fergie alone. But congratulations, Mr. Kingston. Your unfathomably grating cameo has vaulted “Big Girls Don’t Cry” to the honor of Worst Song of 2007.
Thirty Excellent Songs From 2007
1. Ticketmaster – Pure unadulterated highway robbery.
2. Larry King – De-animate his corpse and let the man rest.
3. Auto-flush toilets that flush too soon – They spatter your ass with your own shitwater and ruin the whole experience.
-Keesup & Scrib.
Uh, so the Shit List is, er, not appearing every Friday as promised, but on the strict Whenever We Have Five Things We Hate timetable.
1. People who ask for tomato sauce on their pizza – The essential, historic ingredients of pizza are: bread, tomato sauce, and cheese. Asking for sauce is redundant and repugnant.
2. People who ask for cheese on their pizza – Ditto.
3. People who ask to ask a question – “Can I ask you a question?” “Yes, you may. On second thought, no, fuck you.”
4. People who respond “You just did!” when someone asks to ask a question.
5. Anorexia – This shit has got to stop. Women have enough on their plates with job discrimination, catcalls, and giving birth. Society, I call upon you to see that the complex cultural and interpersonal causes of anorexia are phased out by 2010.
-Keesup & Scrib.
Each Friday, Keesup & I will bring you, our loyal readers, a list of things we hate for your amusement and catharsis. Feel free to respond with things that you hate.
This week’s Shit List:
1. David Schwimmer – You will never work again, Ross, and thank God for that.
2. People Who Name Their Children After Themselves – This is unacceptable for several reasons, chief among them a) the parents couldn’t be bothered to think of a name for their child. Sheer laziness. Also, b) the ego! What makes you, you parent, think that you deserve to be memorialized in the name of your child? You actually kind of sucked. Finally, c) it’s as if a family is hoping the son (this only happens with sons, right?) will be a slightly improved copy of the father. Example: “Richard Jard Dinkle IV is just like his father! Without the alcoholism or fatness, of course.”
3. Dust – Where does it come from? And it just settles on everything.
4. The Mets – The Mets are pretty much always on our shit list. But this week is special, as they participated in an collapse that coincided with the Phillie’s 13-4 run, managing to cough up the division on the last day of the season and miss the playoffs. What will the Yankees fans’ garbage men do now that they have no team to follow?
5. Blackwater USA – If Jesus can forgive these guys, I might have to rethink my stance on Jesus.
Keesup & Scrib.