Heavy-Handed Poltical Allegory by Keesup

Once there was a boy who wanted nothing more than to be President of the United States of America. He was from a very important and rich family, and he imagined that matters of state would just come naturally for him.
But while the boy had much ambition, he lacked wisdom and compassion. He squandered the money his father poured into his education, barely managing to graduate; and despite the shame it would bring to his family’s name, he engaged in behavior that would make Bacchus weep with shame. But his father was nothing if not loyal; and as the boy grew into a man, the father used his influence to find very lucrative jobs for his son. But, again and again, the son made poor decisions and dedicated little effort to his work. For years, the father was amazed at how his son could find new ways of failing. Despite the destruction he left, the son never forgot his dream of becoming president.
After the son managed to bankrupt a particularly large company, the father had had enough. He refused to help his son ever again. The boy (really, in his heart, he was still little and selfish) was despondent – how would he ever become president now? He tried drinking to forget his problems, but it only made things worse.
One night, in his drunken stupor, the man stumbled on to a beach. At his wits’ end and covered in his own vomit, he clenched his fists and pleaded to the heavens, “Please, if there is anyone is up there, help me!” Suddenly visage appeared before him, shining like platinum. A bearded man floated above the sea.
“Yea, do not be afraid, for I am the way, and the truth, and the light. No one comes to the Father, except through me,” said the floating man.
“Superman?” asked the frightened and lost man.
“No, I’m Jesus Christ, dummy.”
“Jesus! I’ve heard about you. Can you help me become President?”
“If you repent of your sin, and trust in me as your Messiah, you will be blessed and I will grant you eternal life in heaven.”
“I’ll do it! Thanks, Jesus.”
“No problem,” said Jesus as he rolled his eyes and glanced at his hands.
“What’s wrong?” asked the man.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it. You’ll find out soon. Oh, one more thing. You have to give up alcohol. You clearly have a problem and it’s holding you back.”
The man agreed. He gave up drink and met a woman who loved him. They had two beautiful daughters, and the man was content. But despite his devotion to Jesus, he still found no success in his career. This was no presidential resume! The desperate man returned to the beach where he had been saved and called for Jesus.
“Hey, George, what’s up?” asked Jesus.
“Jesus, you said I would be successful and happy if I trusted in you.”
“Yea, for in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
“Cut the bullshit, Christ. Am I going to be President or not?”
“Look, I can’t promise you anything. It just means that you get to go to heaven and God will provide for you as best as he sees fit.”
“So I definitely get to go to heaven, but I might not be President?”
“I cannot say such things.”
“Hmm. Is there someone else I can talk to?”
In an instant, Jesus disappeared. A plume of smoke and fire blazed near the praying man. Out of the flames appeared an impish figure with horns and a cunning grin.
“Hey buddy, need some help?”

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One response to “Heavy-Handed Poltical Allegory by Keesup

  1. Hilarious. The guy at the end must be Cheney, no?

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